i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
