I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
