I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
