do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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