On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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