please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
