3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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