it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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