i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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