: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
