I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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