I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
