i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
