If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
