Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
