Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
