Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
