i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
