last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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