you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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