yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
