we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
