I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
