dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
