he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need a beard to bite.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
