a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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