He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
