he told me I talked like a deaf person
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize