Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
