Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
