idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
