dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
