Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
