so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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