did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
