she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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