You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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