if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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