it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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