I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
