If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
