I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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