I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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