I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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