is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
