HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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