nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
