So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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