the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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