I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
